If you have read my About page, you will find that even though I am a cradle Catholic, I find myself a revert to the faith. There was a time in which my mental health was very frail, and I rejected God. I decided that since He had allowed me to be in bad shape, perhaps He didn’t exist, because a loving God wouldn’t allow his daughter to decline so much. However, after much soul-searching, I found that I had rejected God in the first place. I had pretty much decided that in my time of need, I would turn to myself and solve all my problems, perhaps by pulling solutions out of a hat. I am not sure how I was thinking, or perhaps better put, how I was not thinking.
This didn’t stop me from seeking therapy. After all, I was very broken, and I needed help. Throughout my years in therapy, I always learned that there are several pillars that help mental states be healthy. One of them was spirituality, and for a long time, I scoffed at the idea that spirituality would heal me.
As God would have it, He sent me a lifeline, through a therapist I can only describe as possibly atheist, maybe agnostic. She insisted that I talk to a priest, given that my chart said I was catholic. I gave the hospital chaplain a call, and set up an appointment to talk to him.
I wish I could say that talking to the chaplain absolutely changed my life immediately for the better, but it was the beginning of a long winded battle in which I finally accepted God back into my life. I struggled with his existence as much as I struggled with my mental health. Until one day, I went to confession and told the priest that I wasn’t even sure there was a God. He met me where I was. He thanked me for my honesty. He challenged me to invite Jesus into my doubt, so I gave it a try. If this God existed, then surely He would listen to his aching daughter. And that’s when I finally had a turning point.
I didn’t immediately feel a weight lifted, but around this time, I found out that the great Mother Teresa of Calcutta trudged along in spiritual darkness for decades. Now, I am not comparing myself to Mother Teresa, because unlike her, I am not a saint. However, her example of fidelity to Christ and to the Church is awe inspiring. This helped me to continue going down the path that seemed so dark, until one day, I saw the light again.
I went back to Confession with the full intention to start going back to Mass. So I did. I went every Sunday and sometimes even during the weekend. My life changed for the better, not only mentally, but spiritually and even physically. You could say I received a healing, even though there is still some work to do.